Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Mucking along

Do you ever feel like you're just mucking along?  Like something HAS to change, but you're stuck?  I know God is always working - and if we let Him He can do amazing things - but I have to admit to being a bit stuck lately.  I trust Him, I really do.  I just feel like I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing.  I hope it's be still and wait - because that's all I know to do at this point.

Life is full of disappointments.  Sometimes they are the result of our own doings.  Sometimes they just happen.  We have had some lately - but I know God uses all things for good.  He will turn this into something good so that we can profess His blessings and abundance out of it.  I hold fast to that promise.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

New beginnings every day

Sunrise at Crystal Beach
I've been a Christian my whole life, even when I didn't act like one.  I know that there is so much I still need to learn, and every day is a new beginning and a new realization.  These past few weeks have brought such an awareness that it's not ME that does ANYTHING.  It is only God through me.  So I want to listen, I want to know what HE wants me to do, and I want to let HIM come through.  On my own I can't do anything at all.  NOTHING.  If you know me, you know what a hard concept that is to grasp.  My love language is acts of service.  If I can't do anything for you, I feel useless.  So God has really been speaking to me about this.  There is nothing I can do!!!  I have to let HIM do it.  It's been surprisingly easier than I thought it would be.  I still have my moments.  I still struggle with thoughts of what I can do and how I can work this out.  Then I hear Him say STOP IT.  I GOT THIS.
I've been reading quite a bit and it seems almost everything is directed to what I am dealing with right now - the fear, letting go of it, financial struggles, unknown futures - and it is so comforting to know that God sends me exactly what I need to read/hear.  Lysa TerKeurst with Proverbs 31 Ministries is awesome.  She speaks right to me at every level.  I read this yesterday and it is so applicable to what I am dealing with, so I wanted to share:
Some days I struggle with trusting God. I want Him to do something specific and I'm get concerned He won't or not soon enough. I'm not great at waiting. I get scared. I get tired. I get worried. I want to take control but when I push for what I want, and it's not God's best, I always end up with regret.
So, I'm praying these words with a heart that wants to trust. With a heart that knows the center of His will is the safest place for me to be: Lord, I choose to trust You will give me what I need, when I need it.
So powerful!  So true!  Don't we all do this?  It's the reason our lives end up in a mess.  I don't want to be a mess anymore.  I want God to work through me and show the world what He is capable of.   We went to Promise Church on Sunday and the message was from Amos 3:3 - how two cannot walk together unless they are in agreement.  We must be in agreement with God in order to maintain our walk with Him.   I'm so thankful I am finally figuring out what that means in my life.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Let Go and Let God

I've heard this saying many times...but I'm a control freak.  How can I just trust someone to take care of this?  I take care of EVERYTHING!  

But that's exactly what God has been telling me these past couple of weeks...and for once in my life...after FORTY-FIVE years...I hear it.  And I'm listening.

And these past two weeks I have had miracles.  

It is so hard for me to let go of anything - but God has truly been saying to me, BE STILL.  STOP WORRYING.  STOP TRYING TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO.  And I'm trusting Him.  He has never failed me yet.

I know He doesn't mean sit around and do nothing, but He also doesn't want me running around like a chicken and making rash decisions.  That's how I got in this place - by forgetting that HE knows what's best and trusting Him to do it.  

Today I am thankful for the reminder and the ability to trust Him completely.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Falling off the Wagon

It's a phrase most people associate with alcoholics.  But it can apply to so many other things...exercise, diet, attitude, faith.

I did it with my blog.  I got busy and didn't keep up.

I did it with my faith.  Some crappy things happened.  People did horrible things.  Major life changes happened.  We both changed jobs.  I couldn't deal.  I just tuned out.

I did it with my health.  I had started eating right and exercising.  Then I took a break...which turned into 4 months of not working out and eating things I don't even want to think about.

I did it with finances.  I thought I had it all together...then it all blew up.

This blog was always just a "Hey family here's what's going on" kind of blog.  I didn't get too deep or pour out too many feelings.  After all, that opens you up to ridicule and exposes your vulnerabilities, and I didn't really advertise it.  But this week I've hopped back on the wagon and I'm changing things up.  For real.   I apologize in advance for the lengthy thoughts I'm about to post!

What better time than the Easter season to think about renewal?  This year, it really really got to me.  On several levels.

My dad died on April 4.  Nine years ago.  I can't even believe he's gone sometimes, and it certainly doesn't feel like NINE years have passed.  But this is a hard time of year - and this year it just happened to fall on the day before Easter.  And the day AFTER we celebrate the crucifixion of Jesus.  Yes, celebrate.  As horrifying as it was, we know it had to happen so he could ARISE on Resurrection Sunday.  So for me it was an emotional three days.  There were happy times - the kids were all here, and everyone is healthy.  We went to a cool new church (Promise Church) and then had dinner with all the kids and my mom, who spent Sunday afternoon with us as well.  We had good long conversations with my Uncle Mark.  There were sad moments - we watched a couple of movies like God's Not Dead and King of Kings, and just the horror of what Jesus's overwhelming.  The fact that he did it for ME is almost incomprehensible.  However, the JOY that comes from knowing with certainty that I will spend eternity in Heaven with both my earthly father and my heavenly father surpasses all the rest.  And that was a true revelation for me this Easter weekend.  I've known it my whole life, but it was so REAL to me this year.  And it still is.  It has moved me to reclaim my faith and hope in Jesus.  Is life perfect?  No.  Are we still broke?  Oh yes.  But God has moved way bigger mountains than this before.  And I am SO thankful for those promises, and for the multitude of blessings in our lives.  My children and grandchildren are all healthy, and smart, and gorgeous.  They struggle, as we all do, with different things, but there is a God that is so much bigger than all of this.  I have tried to hold control for so long - it was the most freeing thing in the world to just give it over to Him.  At last!  

So this week, I started over.  I'm a work in process, but at least I'm back on the wagon, heading down the right path.