Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Falling off the Wagon

It's a phrase most people associate with alcoholics.  But it can apply to so many other things...exercise, diet, attitude, faith.

I did it with my blog.  I got busy and didn't keep up.

I did it with my faith.  Some crappy things happened.  People did horrible things.  Major life changes happened.  We both changed jobs.  I couldn't deal.  I just tuned out.

I did it with my health.  I had started eating right and exercising.  Then I took a break...which turned into 4 months of not working out and eating things I don't even want to think about.

I did it with finances.  I thought I had it all together...then it all blew up.

This blog was always just a "Hey family here's what's going on" kind of blog.  I didn't get too deep or pour out too many feelings.  After all, that opens you up to ridicule and exposes your vulnerabilities, and I didn't really advertise it.  But this week I've hopped back on the wagon and I'm changing things up.  For real.   I apologize in advance for the lengthy thoughts I'm about to post!

What better time than the Easter season to think about renewal?  This year, it really really got to me.  On several levels.

My dad died on April 4.  Nine years ago.  I can't even believe he's gone sometimes, and it certainly doesn't feel like NINE years have passed.  But this is a hard time of year - and this year it just happened to fall on the day before Easter.  And the day AFTER we celebrate the crucifixion of Jesus.  Yes, celebrate.  As horrifying as it was, we know it had to happen so he could ARISE on Resurrection Sunday.  So for me it was an emotional three days.  There were happy times - the kids were all here, and everyone is healthy.  We went to a cool new church (Promise Church) and then had dinner with all the kids and my mom, who spent Sunday afternoon with us as well.  We had good long conversations with my Uncle Mark.  There were sad moments - we watched a couple of movies like God's Not Dead and King of Kings, and just the horror of what Jesus's overwhelming.  The fact that he did it for ME is almost incomprehensible.  However, the JOY that comes from knowing with certainty that I will spend eternity in Heaven with both my earthly father and my heavenly father surpasses all the rest.  And that was a true revelation for me this Easter weekend.  I've known it my whole life, but it was so REAL to me this year.  And it still is.  It has moved me to reclaim my faith and hope in Jesus.  Is life perfect?  No.  Are we still broke?  Oh yes.  But God has moved way bigger mountains than this before.  And I am SO thankful for those promises, and for the multitude of blessings in our lives.  My children and grandchildren are all healthy, and smart, and gorgeous.  They struggle, as we all do, with different things, but there is a God that is so much bigger than all of this.  I have tried to hold control for so long - it was the most freeing thing in the world to just give it over to Him.  At last!  

So this week, I started over.  I'm a work in process, but at least I'm back on the wagon, heading down the right path.  

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